Tiger Woods Yanks His Karma Out of the Rough

Human punchline Tiger Woods will grant a five-minute audience to a small, but non-selective pool of journalists tomorrow morning at 11:00. The press was hoping for an interview, but Tiger doesn’t do interviews any more. Interviews involve questions, and Tiger isn’t taking any of those. Read more

Floyd Landis and His Karma Are Under Arrest

Defrocked U.S. cyclist Floyd Landis had better get on his two-wheeled pony and ride because there’s a French judge fixing to toss Landis’ lying butt into the slammer. The judge, Thomas Cassuto, issued an international arrest warrant for Landis in connection with a case of data hacking at a doping laboratory in France. Read more

Warren Sapp Hit with Unsportsmanlike Karma

Note to Warren Sapp: Big Fella, you can’t be choking on women the day before the Super Bowl and expect the NFL Network to let you remain on their Super Bowl coverage team. Ain’t happening, homey. Your karma—not to mention the NFL Network’s public relations department—won’t allow it. When your relations become too public, it’s bad for public relations. That’s a fact. Read more

Rex Ryan’s Karma Yearning to Be Free

Inside every fat person there’s a skinny person trying to get out, so we are told. Inside Rex Ryan, the New York Jets fat head coach (or fathead coach), there’s a blubber-encased karma desperate to escape. Small wonder, for Ryan seems hell bent to bury alive whatever good karma he has left. Read more

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• Today in Karma History

  03/17/461
  Saint Patrick, Christian missionary, bishop, and apostle of Ireland, died at Saul, Downpatrick, Ireland. Born in Great Britain, most likely in Scotland, Patrick was part of a well-to-do Christian family of Roman citizenship. At the age of sixteen he was captured and enslaved by Irish marauders.
  
  Patrick worked as a herder in Ireland for the next six years. During that time he depended on a deepening religious faith for comfort. Following the counsel of a voice he heard in a dream one night, Patrick escaped and found passage on a ship to Britain, where he was eventually reunited with his family.
  
  Some time later Patrick had another dream. This time an individual named Victoricus gave him a letter, entitled "The Voice of the Irish." As he read the letter, Patrick heard the voices of Irishmen pleading him to return to their country and to walk among them once more.
  
  After studying for the priesthood, Patrick was ordained a bishop. He returned to Ireland in 433 and began preaching the gospel, converting thousands people, and building churches around the country. After forty years of living in poverty, teaching, traveling, and working tirelessly, Patrick died on March 17, 461, in Saul, where he had built his first church.
  
  Much of what is known about Patrick's legendary life comes from the Confessio, a book he wrote during his last years.

• Shortcuts to Killer Karma

  Shortcuts to Killer Karma turns the accepted notion of karma on its head and shakes the money out of its pockets just for laughs. In this section we will show you how to appear worthy even when you're being a total [penis]. Sound cool? Click here.