Karma score: 48/100

Most recently Big Ben is alleged to have assaulted a college student eight years his junior in a night club popular with students in Milledgeville, Georgia. According to the alleged victim, she and Mr. Roethlisberger had been drinking O-Bombs, a mixture of Red Bull and flavored rum, for several hours when Roethlisberger escorted her into a bathroom and then rolled several of his bodyguards in front of the entrance to discourage gawkers. After Ben had allegedly done his business, his companion contacted a nearby police officer, claiming that she had been assaulted by Mr. Roethlisberger. She was interviewed then taken to a hospital, where she was treated and released.

A name-change here and a face-change there and Ben’s latest brush with notoriety looks and sounds much like the one in July 2008, when an employee of Harrah’s Casino in Lake Tahoe accused Ben of sexually assaulting her when she was called to fix a malfunctioned television in his hotel room.

Signals off, Big Guy, your karma is already facing fourth down and ninety yards to go; and don’t leave home without your helmet next time.

Karma score: 10/100

Anyone thoughtless enough to rob a bistro named Karma probably didn’t have a thought to spare for surveillance cameras either. More’s the pity.

Karma Kafé owner, Mehernosh Daroowalla, told police that the robbery was caught on a surveillance video. An unknown man whose face is partially visible can be seen on the video as he enters the restaurant from the kitchen via an unsecured door at around 10:30 p.m. The intruder, who is holding a flashlight, also can be seen removing all the money from the cash register.

Smile, you’re on Karmic Kamera.

Karma score: 85/100

Congress, predictably, got all lathered up about the ruling and passed a resolution denouncing it. The Supreme Court dusted off its dancing shoes and reversed the decision on technical grounds in 2004. God’s karma, at that point, was all blue skies and green lights.

Recently the San Francisco appeals court revisited the “under God” decision. This time the court, in a 2-1 ruling, decided that “one Nation under God” does not turn this patriotic exercise into a religious activity.” Thus the tedious schoolroom ceremony is not a prayer, but “a recognition of our founders’ political philosophy that a power greater than the government gives the people their inalienable rights,” said the court, adding that “the pledge is an endorsement of our form of government, not of religion or any particular sect.”

Good news for the god botherers, but not such good news for the Big Guy’s karma. If god’s name isn’t enough to turn a pledge into a prayer, we don’t know what is. Neither did the dissenting judge, Stephen Reinhardt. He argued that statements by members of Congress who added “under God” to the pledge in 1954 show conclusively that it was intended to “indoctrinate our nation’s children with a state-held religious belief.”

In a separate ruling, the same panel upheld the use of the national motto, “In God We Trust,” on coins and currency. The language is patriotic and ceremonial, not religious, the court said. Judge Reinhardt—who reluctantly joined the decision, thereby making it unanimous—saidhe was bound by the court’s newly established precedent in the Pledge of Allegiance case.

The court’s spin move raises an interesting question: if “one Nation under God” does not constitute a prayer, does the expression goddamnit no longer constitute a curse? After all goddamnit can be read as the simple expression of an individual’s state of mind, not as a rude demand made of He Who Is What Is.

Finally, given one of the charges leveled at our current president, does it matter that the pledge was written in 1892 by a socialist minister, Francis Bellamy (1855-1931), who hoped the pledge would be used by citizens of any country? Bellamy’s intention accounts for his one-pledge-fits-all original wording: “I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

In 1923 the words, “the Flag of the United States of America” replaced “my Flag”; and in 1954, when many Americans believed that under every bed there was a Communist hiding, our Congress was encouraged by President Eisenhower to add the words “under God” to the pledge.

Karma score: 66/100

That’s to his credit. Your karma is bound to take one up the old Hershey Highway if you spend a lot of energy hoping that someone—even someone critical of you—dies “screaming” as though he or she were the recipient of a hot sauce enema. You can come back as a pimple on Rush Limbaugh’s butt for that kind a thinking.

Some people believe Mr. Penn should come back as Limbaugh’s butt itself because he (Penn) made his rectal-cancer wish during March, which, as everyone knows, is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month. That, however, strikes us as piling on. Besides, if Mr. Penn had wished that his critics would die “screaming” of cabin fever—March is also Cabin Fever Month—the National Organization of Cabin Fever Sufferers or some other such group would have been up in arms. Sometimes you just can’t lose for losing.

Karma score: 40/100

The vehicle being driven by the Barneses struck another car from behind, causing minor injuries to its occupants. Rather than stop to see if anyone had been hurt—Ms. Barnes, after all, wasn’t wearing any pants—she and her husband drove a half-mile down the road and switched seats. Trouble was, her husband had burns on his chest from the passenger-side airbag.

The driver’s airbag wasn’t deployed by the impact, a lucky thing for Ms. Barnes, who might have suffered a nasty gash if it had.

Ms. Barnes told a police officer at the scene that she was doing a little topiary work behind the wheel because she was on her way to meet her boyfriend in Key West and she wanted to look pretty for him. All of which begs the question: Why didn’t Ms. Barnes’ ex-husband drive the car while she prepped in the back seat?

Ms. Barnes was charged with driving with reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries, driving with a revoked license, and driving with no insurance. No charges were files against her ex-husband or her dark roots—the ones on her head.